Read previous post first.... My phone isn't the best to blog from....
As I sometimes feel the need to mother yet feel comepletely secondary to her transitions and her needs. That I'm just along for the ride and need to be okay with that. That we are just going thru the motions of a relationship. Although I know thats not the case, it doesnt mean thats now how I feel sometimes.
Friday, May 14, 2010
So once again, it's been a while. I sometimes feel like my life spins out of control with no rhyme or reason. It has a tendency to make me incredibly emotional and spill over to all areas.
The stress that I have as a result of everything probably doesn't help also. My work is crazy and we keep getting threatened it is going to be outsourced to the Phillipines. Good, I know there are other jobs where I won't get yelled at for 10 per day and that won't carry over to my personal life. I've already started looking & hopefully find something soon. I'm even willing to do gross things like cleaning because at least it is honest money. Sometimes I wish I could tell my bosses to get off their horses & stop freaking out. If our parent company decides to outsource our jobs, there isn't much we can do. Having heart attacks won't help anything.
For the most part, Brandie and I are doing good. She's started her hormones (estradiol) and it's been interesting. Raging emotions thru both of us does not equal very awesome times. Our combined stress level is mad crazy so it's probably good we are both relatively strong people. I do get annoyed quite often because I want to be able to lean on her for support but feel as if I can't
The stress that I have as a result of everything probably doesn't help also. My work is crazy and we keep getting threatened it is going to be outsourced to the Phillipines. Good, I know there are other jobs where I won't get yelled at for 10 per day and that won't carry over to my personal life. I've already started looking & hopefully find something soon. I'm even willing to do gross things like cleaning because at least it is honest money. Sometimes I wish I could tell my bosses to get off their horses & stop freaking out. If our parent company decides to outsource our jobs, there isn't much we can do. Having heart attacks won't help anything.
For the most part, Brandie and I are doing good. She's started her hormones (estradiol) and it's been interesting. Raging emotions thru both of us does not equal very awesome times. Our combined stress level is mad crazy so it's probably good we are both relatively strong people. I do get annoyed quite often because I want to be able to lean on her for support but feel as if I can't
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Telling Family & friends
I've been struggling for the past few weeks, debating whether or not to tell those close to me about Brandie's situation. Nothing was going to be easy but I finally decided to tell my mother & my best friend. I knew my mother would be upset but expected it to go better than it did.
I love & respect my mother & told her that is why I choose to tell her rather than letting her find out as things progressed as Brandie changed into herself. I was very difficult for me to talk & Brandie went with me and explained a little to my mother about how she was born intersexed and how she needed to right a man made mistake as her brain is female & her body unfortuantely male. My Mom seemed to be okay with this, what she wasn't ok with is how when she asked if Brandie & I would be staying together that I said yes. She completely shut off at the point & the anger was evident in her face. If looks could kill, I probably wouldn't be here. My Uncle Anita has thrown lesbianism is my mother's face for years & my mother has very strongly rejected it due to being christian. Brandie & I expressed that we weren't trying to throw anything in her face but wanted to let her know and to let her know that neither of us labeled ourselfs as lesbians. Nothing was said seemed to matter & she told us that she needed time so that she didn't open her mouth & insert her foot. As we left, she told me that she would speak to me later. So not good.
I'm terrified to talk to her later. Of what she might say & how she will react. I've emailed her more about my feelings and just let her know that I loved her and respected her & that is why I let her know. I haven't been home as I"m scared. She did call today to tell me that the entire family was having dinner today at my Grandparents but I'm afraid that they will shove their beliefs in my face or try to exorcise me.
I was going to tell my Best Friend today but last night I decided to just to get it out of the way. Plus that way, if she too rejected me it was done with & I wouldn't have to deal with being rejected two days in a row. Brandie and I went to Miz K's house and she was freaking out because she thought I was dying or something. I told her about Brandie and she was amazing about it. She's uber excited to have a new shopping buddy & that she supports me 150% as long as I'm happy. It was such a change and made me super happy.
So that is where things stand at the moment. I"m afraid to go home for the fear my mother will kill me, kick me out, & disown me. Brandie's roommates all know that my living situation is currently on teh edge & have so kindly agreed that I can move in if needed. They are all great people and I wouldn't mind except for the fact that I want Brandie to have her own space to grow into the amazing woman that she is going to be. I want to give her the time & opportunity to learn & develop & create who she is & wants to be. But most of all I want her to know that I love & support her.
One of my biggest fears about people learning that her & I are together is the rejection & disapproval from people who don't understand. I don't in any way identify myself as lesbian or bisexual. I think of myself as a straight girl who meet this amazing person that I'm in love with who just happens to be female. Yeah, I was initially attracted because for all outward appearances she is male. But I know that I've got to know her for her and not the male persona that is shown to the world. It's confusing but I'm okay with it.
I just wish people could accept without judging. To understand that some things aren't the end of the world but a begining. An opportunity to be real. To have no walls. To be unafraid to be who one really is. To show love.
I love & respect my mother & told her that is why I choose to tell her rather than letting her find out as things progressed as Brandie changed into herself. I was very difficult for me to talk & Brandie went with me and explained a little to my mother about how she was born intersexed and how she needed to right a man made mistake as her brain is female & her body unfortuantely male. My Mom seemed to be okay with this, what she wasn't ok with is how when she asked if Brandie & I would be staying together that I said yes. She completely shut off at the point & the anger was evident in her face. If looks could kill, I probably wouldn't be here. My Uncle Anita has thrown lesbianism is my mother's face for years & my mother has very strongly rejected it due to being christian. Brandie & I expressed that we weren't trying to throw anything in her face but wanted to let her know and to let her know that neither of us labeled ourselfs as lesbians. Nothing was said seemed to matter & she told us that she needed time so that she didn't open her mouth & insert her foot. As we left, she told me that she would speak to me later. So not good.
I'm terrified to talk to her later. Of what she might say & how she will react. I've emailed her more about my feelings and just let her know that I loved her and respected her & that is why I let her know. I haven't been home as I"m scared. She did call today to tell me that the entire family was having dinner today at my Grandparents but I'm afraid that they will shove their beliefs in my face or try to exorcise me.
I was going to tell my Best Friend today but last night I decided to just to get it out of the way. Plus that way, if she too rejected me it was done with & I wouldn't have to deal with being rejected two days in a row. Brandie and I went to Miz K's house and she was freaking out because she thought I was dying or something. I told her about Brandie and she was amazing about it. She's uber excited to have a new shopping buddy & that she supports me 150% as long as I'm happy. It was such a change and made me super happy.
So that is where things stand at the moment. I"m afraid to go home for the fear my mother will kill me, kick me out, & disown me. Brandie's roommates all know that my living situation is currently on teh edge & have so kindly agreed that I can move in if needed. They are all great people and I wouldn't mind except for the fact that I want Brandie to have her own space to grow into the amazing woman that she is going to be. I want to give her the time & opportunity to learn & develop & create who she is & wants to be. But most of all I want her to know that I love & support her.
One of my biggest fears about people learning that her & I are together is the rejection & disapproval from people who don't understand. I don't in any way identify myself as lesbian or bisexual. I think of myself as a straight girl who meet this amazing person that I'm in love with who just happens to be female. Yeah, I was initially attracted because for all outward appearances she is male. But I know that I've got to know her for her and not the male persona that is shown to the world. It's confusing but I'm okay with it.
I just wish people could accept without judging. To understand that some things aren't the end of the world but a begining. An opportunity to be real. To have no walls. To be unafraid to be who one really is. To show love.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
things aren't as they may appear
Lately I've been feeling like an emotional trainwreck. It's been drivng me crazy to lead a double life, as Brandie's Girlfriend & as Prince Charming's (P.C.) Girlfriend. Everyone know me was P.C.'s girlfriend and that is what they are comfortable with and know. It is what is expected of a good little christian girl. But I generally don't follow the expected 100% as I've got to be me. I still haven't told my mom about Brandie's situation. Nor have I told my best friend. Can I put it off forever?
That's what I'd really like to do. Just not tell anyone. Not have to deal with the drama, questions, anything. Just for things to be accepted, no questions asked. If only life were that easy. I've been freaking out that my former best friend will be spiteful enough to tell my mom before I can. I know I need to tell her but I'm scared that she'll be hurt. What if she hates me & never wants to speak to me again? What if she throws religion in my face? What if...? What if...? I've got all this questions and thoughts running through my head and it's made me irritable & emotional.
The fact that Brandie didn't want to tell anyone, well at least not my mom, really drove me crazy. I understand that this is her transition but I'm walking through this with her. I'd rather be upfront & honest than lie, which is what I've felt I've been doing. It's hard, I don't lie. I'm very upfront & open about me. I think what has made it even more awkward for me is that I don't know how I feel about certain things. I've always considered myself a straight girl. This is all my family has known. I'm scared that my mom is going to freak out & think of me as a lesbian, all because the person I love is female.
But I think part of the issue is I didn't know how to identify myself. I don't identify as lesbian or bisexual, but as a straight girl that who just so happens to love a woman. It took alot of thinking to come to that point. Deep soul searching thinking. Looking up bible verses thinking. Just thinking. It occupied my brain for a long time & I couldn't find much to calm my thoughts until I let go. People are going to lable me as they see fit but that doesn't mean I have to accept their lables as my own. Right not I'm not letting that happen.
Hopefully I can cowgirl up enough to tell her this weekend and have it out in the open.....
As for Brandie & I, things are going good. We've spent and lot of time talking and working through concerns each of us has had. She's been really worried about how I'm going to handle parts of her transition because I keep saying we'll deal with that when it comes, such as when she wants to present as a woman and not in her male persona. A few weeks ago, I'd have probabaly said when we get there we'll deal with it but now, I'm ready for it. I'm tired of hiding & lying. I especially hate how she acts when in public because of carrying the persona of P.C. Plus it gets hard not to slip up and refer to her as "her, she, Brandie". But now, I'm ready for it. I wish she could present as herself tomorrow.
It's odd as it seems like there has been a sudden change in my thinking. All of a sudden I've gone from thinking of her has P.C. to thinking of her as Brandie. I don't really know what caused it but it is what it is. I think part of it may be due to the fact that I now how much she hates being referred to as P.C. and how uncomfortable it is for her to have to be in that persona. Sometimes I wish this was all done & could just be a faint memory.......
That's what I'd really like to do. Just not tell anyone. Not have to deal with the drama, questions, anything. Just for things to be accepted, no questions asked. If only life were that easy. I've been freaking out that my former best friend will be spiteful enough to tell my mom before I can. I know I need to tell her but I'm scared that she'll be hurt. What if she hates me & never wants to speak to me again? What if she throws religion in my face? What if...? What if...? I've got all this questions and thoughts running through my head and it's made me irritable & emotional.
The fact that Brandie didn't want to tell anyone, well at least not my mom, really drove me crazy. I understand that this is her transition but I'm walking through this with her. I'd rather be upfront & honest than lie, which is what I've felt I've been doing. It's hard, I don't lie. I'm very upfront & open about me. I think what has made it even more awkward for me is that I don't know how I feel about certain things. I've always considered myself a straight girl. This is all my family has known. I'm scared that my mom is going to freak out & think of me as a lesbian, all because the person I love is female.
But I think part of the issue is I didn't know how to identify myself. I don't identify as lesbian or bisexual, but as a straight girl that who just so happens to love a woman. It took alot of thinking to come to that point. Deep soul searching thinking. Looking up bible verses thinking. Just thinking. It occupied my brain for a long time & I couldn't find much to calm my thoughts until I let go. People are going to lable me as they see fit but that doesn't mean I have to accept their lables as my own. Right not I'm not letting that happen.
Hopefully I can cowgirl up enough to tell her this weekend and have it out in the open.....
As for Brandie & I, things are going good. We've spent and lot of time talking and working through concerns each of us has had. She's been really worried about how I'm going to handle parts of her transition because I keep saying we'll deal with that when it comes, such as when she wants to present as a woman and not in her male persona. A few weeks ago, I'd have probabaly said when we get there we'll deal with it but now, I'm ready for it. I'm tired of hiding & lying. I especially hate how she acts when in public because of carrying the persona of P.C. Plus it gets hard not to slip up and refer to her as "her, she, Brandie". But now, I'm ready for it. I wish she could present as herself tomorrow.
It's odd as it seems like there has been a sudden change in my thinking. All of a sudden I've gone from thinking of her has P.C. to thinking of her as Brandie. I don't really know what caused it but it is what it is. I think part of it may be due to the fact that I now how much she hates being referred to as P.C. and how uncomfortable it is for her to have to be in that persona. Sometimes I wish this was all done & could just be a faint memory.......
Saturday, April 10, 2010
It's been a while...
***** Side note - I don't remember if at any time early if I've referred to Prince Charming by her real name, Brandie. So just a heads up as you read this entry*****
Things have been crazy the past few weeks and are finally at a point were they are slightly calmer. Hopefully my rollercoaster life will be a little less up & down for a while. I don't know if I can handle more tears and rampant emotions. At least not from myself....
I've had more days lately were I've been emotional about everything & crying at the stupidest things. Sometimes crying for no reason at all. I'm so \used to being tough and not crying and lately nothing can stop me from crying. Brandie and I'll be talking about the littlest thing and it will upset me and my eyes well up with tears. It makes me feel horrible because I know she is dealing with a lot already during her time of transition. I worry that my crazy emotional trainwreck that I've been on is going to affect her. It's hard to be my regular poppy self when I'm worried about everything else.
My biggest reasons of stressing is my job and money, or lack there of. I was fired a few months ago from a job that I loved and excelled at because of a difference of opinion with my manager. I knew it was coming & had been regularly looking for work so that I could plan my escape but unfortunatly it didn't that work that way. I've had to go to a job making way way less money than I had been, just in order to survive. My biggest stress is over the fact that I have car payments that have to be made. I know I could sell my car but it is my little baby and I'm not ready to think about having to do that yet. But it has made me stress because by the time I've paid it, rent, & insurance I'm lucky if I have $20 to last until next payday. I feel like I"m in high school all over again, with no money for fun but way more responsibilities resting on my shoulders. Plus it's hard but I am a very giving person and wish I could do more for Brandie.
I've also been really on the defensive lately. Mainly because I"m feeling very forced into some things. Brandie wants me to go see her therapist with her just to help me have more understanding. Plus her therapist wants to talk with me or something. I haven't figured out everything about how I feel about everything and I"m no where near ready to discuess my feelings with anyone else or answer questions about how I'm feeling. I'm so used to dealing with things on my own and being independant and not relying on anyone. Plus I'm afraid to admit my fears because it makes me feel like I'm admitting failure. Failure to what I don't know but failure non the less. In part I'm thinking that I'm having a hard time with it is because the last time I went to see a therapist is when my parents were going thru a divorce and my mom wanted to make sure I was ok. It was a horrible experience for me.
Lately I've also been feeling incredibly rushed for time. I wish there were more hours to get things done. I work 10 hours 4 days a week and it takes my entire day those days. Plus two days a week, I'm working 4 hours a day to help supplement my income. Part of that is due to the fact my main job is constanly going on firing sprees and there is the constant threat of it closing to take the work out of the states. I have no idea what I'd do. There aren't many jobs in my area and many are currently looking for them. Anyways, that wasn't were I was going, but that I feel like with work and everything that needs done daily there isn't time to do the little things like teach girly things to Brandie. There are soo many girly things that I do daily without concious thought that she'll need to learn and I want to help her be the best that she can be. I know she's afraid that she won't be perfect and I want to dispel those fears.
I think that is in part where part of my stress is coming from. I feel like I'm mothering everyone again. My family constantly relies on my strength to get through things and it seems to be happening again. I feel like my mom tries to hard to be my friend rather than my mom. I feel more often than not that I'm having to mother her and assure her that everything will be ok. It's overwhelming to me. I also get overwhelmed bacause of trying to fit in time to help Brandie learn girly things and get the things I need done daily. I feel like I constantly have to fight to find time to do the important things. Part of that is because I'm not used to sitting around and not really doing anything and I feel like I'm constantly waiting to go.
Plus I've been really grouchy lately. I don't handle changes in the weather well due to horrific allergies. I get grouchy, irritated, & tired. I try not to be but it's hard. It's also been hard because Brandie is changing and is at times snappish and we ending up getting very irritated with each other. Perhaps because we both sometimes don't want to upset the other by telling the other they are irritating at the moment. It's very frustraing. I can sense when she is irritated or upset but unfortunately don't now her well enough to be able to easily read her, whereas Brandie can read me like a book which drives me crazy. It doesn't help that I sometimes, well the majority of the time, where my heart on my sleeve. :(
Even though things have been crazy, I have to admit that not everything has been crazy. There has been alot of good moments and I have to remember to take time each day to remember those. Can I remember any of them now? Not particularly but they are there.
Anyways, I should probably go finish the last few necessary things for the day and get a decent amount of sleep. Talk to you all soon (much sooner than 3 weeks).
Things have been crazy the past few weeks and are finally at a point were they are slightly calmer. Hopefully my rollercoaster life will be a little less up & down for a while. I don't know if I can handle more tears and rampant emotions. At least not from myself....
I've had more days lately were I've been emotional about everything & crying at the stupidest things. Sometimes crying for no reason at all. I'm so \used to being tough and not crying and lately nothing can stop me from crying. Brandie and I'll be talking about the littlest thing and it will upset me and my eyes well up with tears. It makes me feel horrible because I know she is dealing with a lot already during her time of transition. I worry that my crazy emotional trainwreck that I've been on is going to affect her. It's hard to be my regular poppy self when I'm worried about everything else.
My biggest reasons of stressing is my job and money, or lack there of. I was fired a few months ago from a job that I loved and excelled at because of a difference of opinion with my manager. I knew it was coming & had been regularly looking for work so that I could plan my escape but unfortunatly it didn't that work that way. I've had to go to a job making way way less money than I had been, just in order to survive. My biggest stress is over the fact that I have car payments that have to be made. I know I could sell my car but it is my little baby and I'm not ready to think about having to do that yet. But it has made me stress because by the time I've paid it, rent, & insurance I'm lucky if I have $20 to last until next payday. I feel like I"m in high school all over again, with no money for fun but way more responsibilities resting on my shoulders. Plus it's hard but I am a very giving person and wish I could do more for Brandie.
I've also been really on the defensive lately. Mainly because I"m feeling very forced into some things. Brandie wants me to go see her therapist with her just to help me have more understanding. Plus her therapist wants to talk with me or something. I haven't figured out everything about how I feel about everything and I"m no where near ready to discuess my feelings with anyone else or answer questions about how I'm feeling. I'm so used to dealing with things on my own and being independant and not relying on anyone. Plus I'm afraid to admit my fears because it makes me feel like I'm admitting failure. Failure to what I don't know but failure non the less. In part I'm thinking that I'm having a hard time with it is because the last time I went to see a therapist is when my parents were going thru a divorce and my mom wanted to make sure I was ok. It was a horrible experience for me.
Lately I've also been feeling incredibly rushed for time. I wish there were more hours to get things done. I work 10 hours 4 days a week and it takes my entire day those days. Plus two days a week, I'm working 4 hours a day to help supplement my income. Part of that is due to the fact my main job is constanly going on firing sprees and there is the constant threat of it closing to take the work out of the states. I have no idea what I'd do. There aren't many jobs in my area and many are currently looking for them. Anyways, that wasn't were I was going, but that I feel like with work and everything that needs done daily there isn't time to do the little things like teach girly things to Brandie. There are soo many girly things that I do daily without concious thought that she'll need to learn and I want to help her be the best that she can be. I know she's afraid that she won't be perfect and I want to dispel those fears.
I think that is in part where part of my stress is coming from. I feel like I'm mothering everyone again. My family constantly relies on my strength to get through things and it seems to be happening again. I feel like my mom tries to hard to be my friend rather than my mom. I feel more often than not that I'm having to mother her and assure her that everything will be ok. It's overwhelming to me. I also get overwhelmed bacause of trying to fit in time to help Brandie learn girly things and get the things I need done daily. I feel like I constantly have to fight to find time to do the important things. Part of that is because I'm not used to sitting around and not really doing anything and I feel like I'm constantly waiting to go.
Plus I've been really grouchy lately. I don't handle changes in the weather well due to horrific allergies. I get grouchy, irritated, & tired. I try not to be but it's hard. It's also been hard because Brandie is changing and is at times snappish and we ending up getting very irritated with each other. Perhaps because we both sometimes don't want to upset the other by telling the other they are irritating at the moment. It's very frustraing. I can sense when she is irritated or upset but unfortunately don't now her well enough to be able to easily read her, whereas Brandie can read me like a book which drives me crazy. It doesn't help that I sometimes, well the majority of the time, where my heart on my sleeve. :(
Even though things have been crazy, I have to admit that not everything has been crazy. There has been alot of good moments and I have to remember to take time each day to remember those. Can I remember any of them now? Not particularly but they are there.
Anyways, I should probably go finish the last few necessary things for the day and get a decent amount of sleep. Talk to you all soon (much sooner than 3 weeks).
Monday, March 15, 2010
Hiding A Secret
It seems that since I've meet Prince Charming, things have been changing like crazy. It's really cute to see the more feminine side when it is just the two of us. It makes seeing the very masculine side in public seem really awkward. Some of the things we discuss and that happen still continue to overwhelm me. I don't always know how to respond or what to think, which has lead to lots of tears. Let me fill you in about what all is going on....
My Bestie still doesn't seem to want to be my friend. She thinks that when I'm in a relationship, I ignore the rest of the world. I try to keep my time balanced between everything but she seems to get very jealous of my lack of time for her. What can I do? My biggest fear with her being upset with me is for her to leak it to my mother about Prince Charming's transition. I am in no way ready to break that news to my mother. Perhaps, it is due to my fear of failure and fearing her disapproval? I'd rather think it is due to the fact that Prince Charming's & mine relationship is soo new.
Prince Charming and I've hung out several times at my mother's home. It has lead to some awkward moments. I feel horrible because Prince Charming has to keep up his masculine role there. He sometimes has slips in his mannerisms and I'm scared my mother will notice them. My mom seemed to stare at Prince Charming several times when we have been over there & she told me it is because she thinks he looks familiar. That may be or maybe I'm just paranoid. The other day while we were talking with my family, my brother brought up on of the other transgenders in town and an incident that had happened the night before. Prince Charming came to the girls offense and we ended up having an interesting conversation about transgenders with my family. It did get very awkward and uncomfortable though when my mother asked Prince Charming if he was a girl. I nearly panicked and froze but Prince Charming handled it very well.
I really want to start referring the Prince Charming as Brandie, the name he will be going to, and as she & her but am afraid that I'll slip up in public. It's frustrating! For all outward appearances Prince Charming is male and I find my self treating him as so sometimes. It's been hard to jump back & forth between the different modes. Several times while shopping, I've caught myself pointing out different fashion things or other girly things. For Prince Charming's safety I can't do that but I want to share my girly world with him. :( It's been especially hard for me because the way we interract when in public acting in the correct gender according to appearances. I truely enjoy the way we interract when it is just Prince Charming and I. We are very touchy feely, very open in communication, and completely who we are meant to be without walls. I love that I can be emotional and not have to worry about keeping up the walls that I normally hide behind.
It's also been hard because there are people that know both Prince Charming and I who have asked questions about him. Particularly, one person in a conversation about boys being boys asked if "Prince Charming is a guy, really?" Of course my answer was yes. But it is hard because I don't know everyone who knows what Prince Charming is going through and I don't want to open my mouth. The person who asked may have no idea and just be curious from past interactions with Prince Charming. I don't' know which causes me to error more on the side of caution. I typically don't care what people think of me, but I do have a tendency to error on the side of caution, as, like anyone, I don't like to be treated like an outsider. I think I'm more afraid of losing my close friends that I have and being persecuted by this town. I know I shouldn 't be afraid but I think part of my fear comes from making sure Prince Charming is safe. People can be very unforving and cruel.
Anyways, on a better note, things between Prince Charming and I have been going well. I've been noticing little changes in his looks, mannerisms, emotions, everthing. The other day, he let me do up makeup on him and I was able to get more of an idea of how he may look as a female. He's going to be gorgeous! To me it is exciting to see the changes in him and incredibly fun to teach him all the girly things I know. We have made plans to have a spa day at home this weekend for me to teach him more. I can't wait! I better start planning what all needs done before hand....
Until next time,
Ellie
My Bestie still doesn't seem to want to be my friend. She thinks that when I'm in a relationship, I ignore the rest of the world. I try to keep my time balanced between everything but she seems to get very jealous of my lack of time for her. What can I do? My biggest fear with her being upset with me is for her to leak it to my mother about Prince Charming's transition. I am in no way ready to break that news to my mother. Perhaps, it is due to my fear of failure and fearing her disapproval? I'd rather think it is due to the fact that Prince Charming's & mine relationship is soo new.
Prince Charming and I've hung out several times at my mother's home. It has lead to some awkward moments. I feel horrible because Prince Charming has to keep up his masculine role there. He sometimes has slips in his mannerisms and I'm scared my mother will notice them. My mom seemed to stare at Prince Charming several times when we have been over there & she told me it is because she thinks he looks familiar. That may be or maybe I'm just paranoid. The other day while we were talking with my family, my brother brought up on of the other transgenders in town and an incident that had happened the night before. Prince Charming came to the girls offense and we ended up having an interesting conversation about transgenders with my family. It did get very awkward and uncomfortable though when my mother asked Prince Charming if he was a girl. I nearly panicked and froze but Prince Charming handled it very well.
I really want to start referring the Prince Charming as Brandie, the name he will be going to, and as she & her but am afraid that I'll slip up in public. It's frustrating! For all outward appearances Prince Charming is male and I find my self treating him as so sometimes. It's been hard to jump back & forth between the different modes. Several times while shopping, I've caught myself pointing out different fashion things or other girly things. For Prince Charming's safety I can't do that but I want to share my girly world with him. :( It's been especially hard for me because the way we interract when in public acting in the correct gender according to appearances. I truely enjoy the way we interract when it is just Prince Charming and I. We are very touchy feely, very open in communication, and completely who we are meant to be without walls. I love that I can be emotional and not have to worry about keeping up the walls that I normally hide behind.
It's also been hard because there are people that know both Prince Charming and I who have asked questions about him. Particularly, one person in a conversation about boys being boys asked if "Prince Charming is a guy, really?" Of course my answer was yes. But it is hard because I don't know everyone who knows what Prince Charming is going through and I don't want to open my mouth. The person who asked may have no idea and just be curious from past interactions with Prince Charming. I don't' know which causes me to error more on the side of caution. I typically don't care what people think of me, but I do have a tendency to error on the side of caution, as, like anyone, I don't like to be treated like an outsider. I think I'm more afraid of losing my close friends that I have and being persecuted by this town. I know I shouldn 't be afraid but I think part of my fear comes from making sure Prince Charming is safe. People can be very unforving and cruel.
Anyways, on a better note, things between Prince Charming and I have been going well. I've been noticing little changes in his looks, mannerisms, emotions, everthing. The other day, he let me do up makeup on him and I was able to get more of an idea of how he may look as a female. He's going to be gorgeous! To me it is exciting to see the changes in him and incredibly fun to teach him all the girly things I know. We have made plans to have a spa day at home this weekend for me to teach him more. I can't wait! I better start planning what all needs done before hand....
Until next time,
Ellie
Friday, March 12, 2010
Once Upon A Time....
I used to think my life was pretty normal. Well, as normal as could be for a kid that grew up moving all around the country from small towns to big cities. I guess you could say my parents exposed my brothers & I to a lot. This has made me be very open minded about numerous things even though I grew up in a home where loving God and having a personal relationship with Him was the number one priority. While I don't believe in religion, I do believe in a personal relationship with God & following his teachings. Whilst many of my friends claimed to be gay or a lesbian, that meant I didn't stop loving them for who they were but more that I didn't always agree with the choices they made. But this isn't meant to tell you about my religious views but to tell you about my love story....
When I was little, I'd dream that one day my Prince Charming would come in and sweep me off my feet. I wanted the whole shabang. Even now in my 20's that is still my dream. Little did I know my love story would turn out like this...
Let me start at the beginning of my relationship with my Prince Charming....
My bestie from High School and I were headed out one night to a little dive bar in town and had stopped by her home. While there we got a call from one of her guy friends from H.S. who decided to meet up with us that night. I didn't think anything about it. Never did I know that this would be the guy that I'm falling head over heels for. We meet up with Prince Charming and chatted for a while before heading out for Karaoke. Prince Charming and I couldn't stop talking, there was such a pull between this boy and I. I couldn't believe how well I was getting along with this guy, he was amazing, intelligent, & interesting. I wanted to know lots more! I wonder if I'd have been as interested in Prince Charming if I know what I know now. I'll tell you about that in a minute. Eventually night turned into morning and Prince Charming & I were still talking non-stop. It was wonderful! Never had I had as much fun talking to a guy about anything and everything, cuddling, having my hair brushed out of my face, & sweet, sweet kisses. I felt desired for me and not for my body like with most guys. I was excited to get to know someone who was so different from everyone else I knew but yet so like me.
Over that first weekend, Prince Charming and I couldn't stop texting and talking. My bestie kept teasing me for being twitterpated by this boy & couldn't believe how I was connecting with him. I had no idea that she knew his secret. I knew was that if I wasn't careful, I was going to fall hard and get my heart broken once again. Having grown up with a mentally abusive father, seeing the good in everyone, & wearing my heart on my sleeve are things that have taught me to be incredibly cautious with relationships. But yet I continue to try in hopes of finding my Prince Charming. Anyways, my bestie seemed to be trying to keep Prince Charming & I apart in an attempt to keep me from getting hurt.
One night while talking with Prince Charming & my bestie, we somehow started talking about transgendered people and our thoughts & opinions. It was never really something I had really thought about before. I knew there were several in our community but didn't really know anything about the issue. It had never been something that affected me, so I generally brushed it off. Like I said, I was raised to love people for who they are on the inside, not for the choices they may make. It wasn't something that I'd ever really thought about.
Soon after my bestie got upset at me for spending so much time with Prince Charming and declared a Girls Night. I had no idea that it was going to be the night that changed my life. My bestie and I talked about numerous things that night and she blurted out "I can't not tell you but your Prince Charming is in the process of becoming a woman!!!!!!!!!!!!" Let's just say I went into shock. I had no idea how to act or respond to her. Surprisingly I wasn't mad at Prince Charming but at my bestie for telling me something that wasn't her place to tell. Maybe because it made a lot of things click into place.
Unfortunately, when we got over to Prince Charming's house later that evening he could tell something was wrong. Fortunately I'd had several drinks that night, my bestie thought it would help me cope, and Prince Charming told everyone that I needed to go lay down. When we got to his room, all I could do is cry because I was so upset with my bestie for interfering. Prince Charming knew that my bestie had told me because that was his biggest fear. He explained that he was planning on telling me that night & hadn't wanted to keep it from me any longer because he didn't want to hurt me.
Though this whole time, I couldn't form a coherent thought from the shock of it all. I was beginning to care for this boy, yea he is slightly feminine but who cares. But was I ready to date someone who for appearances sake looked like a male but was really on the inside a female? Or even simpler, Was I willing to date a female? I don't know at this point. What I do know is that I'm falling head over heels for Prince Charming and am going to take one day at a time. Prince Charming & I've talked about how things may be easy for now while outwards he looks male but that I may have difficult days as things progress. We've agreed that we'll cross those bridges when they com, but for now, I'm excited to meet the girl inside my man.
When I was little, I'd dream that one day my Prince Charming would come in and sweep me off my feet. I wanted the whole shabang. Even now in my 20's that is still my dream. Little did I know my love story would turn out like this...
Let me start at the beginning of my relationship with my Prince Charming....
My bestie from High School and I were headed out one night to a little dive bar in town and had stopped by her home. While there we got a call from one of her guy friends from H.S. who decided to meet up with us that night. I didn't think anything about it. Never did I know that this would be the guy that I'm falling head over heels for. We meet up with Prince Charming and chatted for a while before heading out for Karaoke. Prince Charming and I couldn't stop talking, there was such a pull between this boy and I. I couldn't believe how well I was getting along with this guy, he was amazing, intelligent, & interesting. I wanted to know lots more! I wonder if I'd have been as interested in Prince Charming if I know what I know now. I'll tell you about that in a minute. Eventually night turned into morning and Prince Charming & I were still talking non-stop. It was wonderful! Never had I had as much fun talking to a guy about anything and everything, cuddling, having my hair brushed out of my face, & sweet, sweet kisses. I felt desired for me and not for my body like with most guys. I was excited to get to know someone who was so different from everyone else I knew but yet so like me.
Over that first weekend, Prince Charming and I couldn't stop texting and talking. My bestie kept teasing me for being twitterpated by this boy & couldn't believe how I was connecting with him. I had no idea that she knew his secret. I knew was that if I wasn't careful, I was going to fall hard and get my heart broken once again. Having grown up with a mentally abusive father, seeing the good in everyone, & wearing my heart on my sleeve are things that have taught me to be incredibly cautious with relationships. But yet I continue to try in hopes of finding my Prince Charming. Anyways, my bestie seemed to be trying to keep Prince Charming & I apart in an attempt to keep me from getting hurt.
One night while talking with Prince Charming & my bestie, we somehow started talking about transgendered people and our thoughts & opinions. It was never really something I had really thought about before. I knew there were several in our community but didn't really know anything about the issue. It had never been something that affected me, so I generally brushed it off. Like I said, I was raised to love people for who they are on the inside, not for the choices they may make. It wasn't something that I'd ever really thought about.
Soon after my bestie got upset at me for spending so much time with Prince Charming and declared a Girls Night. I had no idea that it was going to be the night that changed my life. My bestie and I talked about numerous things that night and she blurted out "I can't not tell you but your Prince Charming is in the process of becoming a woman!!!!!!!!!!!!" Let's just say I went into shock. I had no idea how to act or respond to her. Surprisingly I wasn't mad at Prince Charming but at my bestie for telling me something that wasn't her place to tell. Maybe because it made a lot of things click into place.
Unfortunately, when we got over to Prince Charming's house later that evening he could tell something was wrong. Fortunately I'd had several drinks that night, my bestie thought it would help me cope, and Prince Charming told everyone that I needed to go lay down. When we got to his room, all I could do is cry because I was so upset with my bestie for interfering. Prince Charming knew that my bestie had told me because that was his biggest fear. He explained that he was planning on telling me that night & hadn't wanted to keep it from me any longer because he didn't want to hurt me.
Though this whole time, I couldn't form a coherent thought from the shock of it all. I was beginning to care for this boy, yea he is slightly feminine but who cares. But was I ready to date someone who for appearances sake looked like a male but was really on the inside a female? Or even simpler, Was I willing to date a female? I don't know at this point. What I do know is that I'm falling head over heels for Prince Charming and am going to take one day at a time. Prince Charming & I've talked about how things may be easy for now while outwards he looks male but that I may have difficult days as things progress. We've agreed that we'll cross those bridges when they com, but for now, I'm excited to meet the girl inside my man.
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