Hiding A Secret

It seems that since I've meet Prince Charming, things have been changing like crazy. It's really cute to see the more feminine side when it is just the two of us. It makes seeing the very masculine side in public seem really awkward. Some of the things we discuss and that happen still continue to overwhelm me. I don't always know how to respond or what to think, which has lead to lots of tears. Let me fill you in about what all is going on....

My Bestie still doesn't seem to want to be my friend. She thinks that when I'm in a relationship, I ignore the rest of the world. I try to keep my time balanced between everything but she seems to get very jealous of my lack of time for her. What can I do? My biggest fear with her being upset with me is for her to leak it to my mother about Prince Charming's transition. I am in no way ready to break that news to my mother. Perhaps, it is due to my fear of failure and fearing her disapproval? I'd rather think it is due to the fact that Prince Charming's & mine relationship is soo new.

Prince Charming and I've hung out several times at my mother's home. It has lead to some awkward moments. I feel horrible because Prince Charming has to keep up his masculine role there. He sometimes has slips in his mannerisms and I'm scared my mother will notice them. My mom seemed to stare at Prince Charming several times when we have been over there & she told me it is because she thinks he looks familiar. That may be or maybe I'm just paranoid. The other day while we were talking with my family, my brother brought up on of the other transgenders in town and an incident that had happened the night before. Prince Charming came to the girls offense and we ended up having an interesting conversation about transgenders with my family. It did get very awkward and uncomfortable though when my mother asked Prince Charming if he was a girl. I nearly panicked and froze but Prince Charming handled it very well.

I really want to start referring the Prince Charming as Brandie, the name he will be going to, and as she & her but am afraid that I'll slip up in public. It's frustrating! For all outward appearances Prince Charming is male and I find my self treating him as so sometimes. It's been hard to jump back & forth between the different modes. Several times while shopping, I've caught myself pointing out different fashion things or other girly things. For Prince Charming's safety I can't do that but I want to share my girly world with him. :( It's been especially hard for me because the way we interract when in public acting in the correct gender according to appearances. I truely enjoy the way we interract when it is just Prince Charming and I. We are very touchy feely, very open in communication, and completely who we are meant to be without walls. I love that I can be emotional and not have to worry about keeping up the walls that I normally hide behind.

It's also been hard because there are people that know both Prince Charming and I who have asked questions about him. Particularly, one person in a conversation about boys being boys asked if "Prince Charming is a guy, really?" Of course my answer was yes. But it is hard because I don't know everyone who knows what Prince Charming is going through and I don't want to open my mouth. The person who asked may have no idea and just be curious from past interactions with Prince Charming. I don't' know which causes me to error more on the side of caution. I typically don't care what people think of me, but I do have a tendency to error on the side of caution, as, like anyone, I don't like to be treated like an outsider. I think I'm more afraid of losing my close friends that I have and being persecuted by this town. I know I shouldn 't be afraid but I think part of my fear comes from making sure Prince Charming is safe. People can be very unforving and cruel.

Anyways, on a better note, things between Prince Charming and I have been going well. I've been noticing little changes in his looks, mannerisms, emotions, everthing. The other day, he let me do up makeup on him and I was able to get more of an idea of how he may look as a female. He's going to be gorgeous! To me it is exciting to see the changes in him and incredibly fun to teach him all the girly things I know. We have made plans to have a spa day at home this weekend for me to teach him more. I can't wait! I better start planning what all needs done before hand....

Until next time,

Ellie