things aren't as they may appear

Lately I've been feeling like an emotional trainwreck.  It's been drivng me crazy to lead a double life,  as Brandie's Girlfriend & as Prince Charming's (P.C.) Girlfriend.  Everyone know me was P.C.'s girlfriend and that is what they are comfortable with and know.  It is what is expected of a good little christian girl.  But I generally don't follow the expected 100% as I've got to be me.  I still haven't told my mom about Brandie's situation.  Nor have I told my best friend.  Can I put it off forever?

That's what I'd really like to do. Just not tell anyone.  Not have to deal with the drama, questions,  anything.  Just for things to be accepted, no questions asked.  If only life were that easy.   I've been freaking out that my former best friend will be spiteful enough to tell my mom before I can.  I know I need to tell her but I'm scared that she'll be hurt. What if she hates me & never wants  to speak to me again?  What if she throws religion in my face?  What if...? What if...?  I've got all this questions and thoughts running through my head and it's made me irritable & emotional. 

The fact that Brandie didn't want to tell anyone, well at least not my mom, really drove me crazy.  I understand that this is her transition but I'm walking through this with her.   I'd rather be upfront & honest than lie, which is what I've felt I've been doing.  It's hard, I don't lie.  I'm very  upfront & open about me.   I think what has made it even more awkward for me is that I don't know   how I feel about certain things.  I've always considered myself a straight girl. This is all my family has known.   I'm scared that my mom is going to freak out & think of me as a lesbian, all because the person I love is female.

But I think part of the issue is I didn't know how to identify myself.   I don't identify as lesbian or bisexual, but as a straight girl that who just so happens to love a woman.  It  took alot of  thinking to come to that point.  Deep soul searching thinking.  Looking up bible verses thinking.  Just thinking.  It occupied my brain for a long time & I couldn't find much to calm my thoughts until I let go. People are going to lable me as they see fit but that doesn't mean I have to accept their lables as my own. Right not I'm not letting that happen.

Hopefully I can cowgirl up enough to tell her this weekend and have it out in the open.....

As for Brandie & I,  things are going good.  We've spent and lot of time talking and working through concerns each of us has had.   She's been really worried about how I'm going to handle parts of her transition because I keep saying we'll deal with that when it comes, such as when she wants to present as a woman and not in her male persona.   A few weeks ago, I'd have probabaly said when we get there we'll deal with it but now, I'm ready for it. I'm tired of hiding & lying.   I especially hate how she acts when in public because of carrying the persona of P.C. Plus it gets hard not to slip up and refer to her as "her, she, Brandie".   But now, I'm ready for it.  I wish she could present as herself tomorrow. 

It's odd as it seems like there has been a sudden change in my thinking.   All of a sudden I've gone from thinking of her has P.C. to thinking of her as Brandie.   I don't really know what caused it but it is what it is.  I think part of it may be due to the fact that I now how much she hates being referred to as P.C. and how uncomfortable it is for her to have to be in that persona.  Sometimes I wish this was all done & could just be a faint memory.......

Hiding A Secret

It seems that since I've meet Prince Charming, things have been changing like crazy. It's really cute to see the more feminine side when it is just the two of us. It makes seeing the very masculine side in public seem really awkward. Some of the things we discuss and that happen still continue to overwhelm me. I don't always know how to respond or what to think, which has lead to lots of tears. Let me fill you in about what all is going on....

My Bestie still doesn't seem to want to be my friend. She thinks that when I'm in a relationship, I ignore the rest of the world. I try to keep my time balanced between everything but she seems to get very jealous of my lack of time for her. What can I do? My biggest fear with her being upset with me is for her to leak it to my mother about Prince Charming's transition. I am in no way ready to break that news to my mother. Perhaps, it is due to my fear of failure and fearing her disapproval? I'd rather think it is due to the fact that Prince Charming's & mine relationship is soo new.

Prince Charming and I've hung out several times at my mother's home. It has lead to some awkward moments. I feel horrible because Prince Charming has to keep up his masculine role there. He sometimes has slips in his mannerisms and I'm scared my mother will notice them. My mom seemed to stare at Prince Charming several times when we have been over there & she told me it is because she thinks he looks familiar. That may be or maybe I'm just paranoid. The other day while we were talking with my family, my brother brought up on of the other transgenders in town and an incident that had happened the night before. Prince Charming came to the girls offense and we ended up having an interesting conversation about transgenders with my family. It did get very awkward and uncomfortable though when my mother asked Prince Charming if he was a girl. I nearly panicked and froze but Prince Charming handled it very well.

I really want to start referring the Prince Charming as Brandie, the name he will be going to, and as she & her but am afraid that I'll slip up in public. It's frustrating! For all outward appearances Prince Charming is male and I find my self treating him as so sometimes. It's been hard to jump back & forth between the different modes. Several times while shopping, I've caught myself pointing out different fashion things or other girly things. For Prince Charming's safety I can't do that but I want to share my girly world with him. :( It's been especially hard for me because the way we interract when in public acting in the correct gender according to appearances. I truely enjoy the way we interract when it is just Prince Charming and I. We are very touchy feely, very open in communication, and completely who we are meant to be without walls. I love that I can be emotional and not have to worry about keeping up the walls that I normally hide behind.

It's also been hard because there are people that know both Prince Charming and I who have asked questions about him. Particularly, one person in a conversation about boys being boys asked if "Prince Charming is a guy, really?" Of course my answer was yes. But it is hard because I don't know everyone who knows what Prince Charming is going through and I don't want to open my mouth. The person who asked may have no idea and just be curious from past interactions with Prince Charming. I don't' know which causes me to error more on the side of caution. I typically don't care what people think of me, but I do have a tendency to error on the side of caution, as, like anyone, I don't like to be treated like an outsider. I think I'm more afraid of losing my close friends that I have and being persecuted by this town. I know I shouldn 't be afraid but I think part of my fear comes from making sure Prince Charming is safe. People can be very unforving and cruel.

Anyways, on a better note, things between Prince Charming and I have been going well. I've been noticing little changes in his looks, mannerisms, emotions, everthing. The other day, he let me do up makeup on him and I was able to get more of an idea of how he may look as a female. He's going to be gorgeous! To me it is exciting to see the changes in him and incredibly fun to teach him all the girly things I know. We have made plans to have a spa day at home this weekend for me to teach him more. I can't wait! I better start planning what all needs done before hand....

Until next time,

Ellie