Lately I've been feeling like an emotional trainwreck. It's been drivng me crazy to lead a double life, as Brandie's Girlfriend & as Prince Charming's (P.C.) Girlfriend. Everyone know me was P.C.'s girlfriend and that is what they are comfortable with and know. It is what is expected of a good little christian girl. But I generally don't follow the expected 100% as I've got to be me. I still haven't told my mom about Brandie's situation. Nor have I told my best friend. Can I put it off forever?
That's what I'd really like to do. Just not tell anyone. Not have to deal with the drama, questions, anything. Just for things to be accepted, no questions asked. If only life were that easy. I've been freaking out that my former best friend will be spiteful enough to tell my mom before I can. I know I need to tell her but I'm scared that she'll be hurt. What if she hates me & never wants to speak to me again? What if she throws religion in my face? What if...? What if...? I've got all this questions and thoughts running through my head and it's made me irritable & emotional.
The fact that Brandie didn't want to tell anyone, well at least not my mom, really drove me crazy. I understand that this is her transition but I'm walking through this with her. I'd rather be upfront & honest than lie, which is what I've felt I've been doing. It's hard, I don't lie. I'm very upfront & open about me. I think what has made it even more awkward for me is that I don't know how I feel about certain things. I've always considered myself a straight girl. This is all my family has known. I'm scared that my mom is going to freak out & think of me as a lesbian, all because the person I love is female.
But I think part of the issue is I didn't know how to identify myself. I don't identify as lesbian or bisexual, but as a straight girl that who just so happens to love a woman. It took alot of thinking to come to that point. Deep soul searching thinking. Looking up bible verses thinking. Just thinking. It occupied my brain for a long time & I couldn't find much to calm my thoughts until I let go. People are going to lable me as they see fit but that doesn't mean I have to accept their lables as my own. Right not I'm not letting that happen.
Hopefully I can cowgirl up enough to tell her this weekend and have it out in the open.....
As for Brandie & I, things are going good. We've spent and lot of time talking and working through concerns each of us has had. She's been really worried about how I'm going to handle parts of her transition because I keep saying we'll deal with that when it comes, such as when she wants to present as a woman and not in her male persona. A few weeks ago, I'd have probabaly said when we get there we'll deal with it but now, I'm ready for it. I'm tired of hiding & lying. I especially hate how she acts when in public because of carrying the persona of P.C. Plus it gets hard not to slip up and refer to her as "her, she, Brandie". But now, I'm ready for it. I wish she could present as herself tomorrow.
It's odd as it seems like there has been a sudden change in my thinking. All of a sudden I've gone from thinking of her has P.C. to thinking of her as Brandie. I don't really know what caused it but it is what it is. I think part of it may be due to the fact that I now how much she hates being referred to as P.C. and how uncomfortable it is for her to have to be in that persona. Sometimes I wish this was all done & could just be a faint memory.......
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