It's been a while...

***** Side note - I don't remember if at any time early if I've referred to Prince Charming by her real name, Brandie. So just a heads up  as you read this entry*****


Things have been crazy the past few weeks and are finally at a point were they are slightly calmer. Hopefully my rollercoaster life will be a little less up & down for a while. I don't know if I can handle more tears and rampant emotions. At least not from myself....

I've had more days lately were I've been emotional about everything & crying at the stupidest things.  Sometimes crying for no reason at all. I'm so \used to being tough and not crying and lately nothing can stop me from crying.  Brandie and I'll be talking about the littlest thing and it will upset me and my eyes well up with tears.  It makes me feel horrible because I know she is dealing with a lot already during her time of transition. I worry that my crazy emotional trainwreck that I've been on is going to affect her. It's hard to be my regular poppy self when I'm worried about everything else. 

My biggest reasons of stressing is my job and money, or lack there of.   I was fired a few months ago from a job that I loved and excelled at because of a difference of opinion with my manager.  I knew it was coming & had been regularly looking for work so that I could plan my escape but unfortunatly it didn't that work that way.  I've had to go to a job making way way less money than I had been, just in order to survive.  My biggest stress is over the fact that I have car payments that have to be made.  I know I could sell my car but it is my little baby and I'm not ready to think about having to do that yet.   But it has made me stress because by the time I've paid it, rent, & insurance I'm lucky if I have $20 to last until next payday.  I feel like I"m in high school all over again, with no money for fun but way more responsibilities resting on my shoulders.   Plus it's  hard but I am a very giving person and wish I could do more for Brandie.

I've also been really on the defensive lately.  Mainly because I"m feeling very forced into some things.  Brandie wants me to go see her therapist with her just to help me have more understanding.  Plus her therapist wants to talk with me or something.  I haven't figured out everything about how I feel about everything and I"m no where near ready to discuess my feelings with anyone else or answer questions about how I'm feeling.  I'm so used to dealing with things on my own and being independant and not relying on anyone. Plus I'm afraid to admit my fears because it makes me feel like I'm admitting failure.  Failure to what I don't know but failure non the less.  In part I'm thinking that I'm having a hard time with it is because the last time I went to see a therapist is when my parents were going thru a divorce and my mom wanted to make sure I was ok.  It was a horrible experience for me.

Lately I've also been feeling incredibly rushed for time.  I wish there were more hours to get things done.  I work 10 hours 4 days a week and it takes my entire day those days.  Plus two days a week, I'm working 4 hours a day  to help supplement my income.  Part of that is due to the fact my main job is constanly going on firing sprees and there is the constant threat of it closing to take the work out of the states.  I have no idea what I'd do.  There aren't many jobs in my area and many are currently looking for them.   Anyways, that wasn't were I was going, but that I feel like with work and everything that needs done daily  there isn't time to do the little things like teach girly things to Brandie.  There are soo many girly things that I do daily without concious thought that she'll need to learn and I want to help her be the best that she can be. I know she's afraid that she won't be perfect and I want to dispel those fears. 

I think that is in part where part of my stress is coming from.  I feel like I'm mothering everyone again.  My family constantly relies on my strength to get through things and it seems to be happening again. I feel like my mom tries to hard to be my friend rather than my mom.  I feel more often than not that I'm having to mother her and assure her that everything will be ok.  It's overwhelming to me. I also get overwhelmed bacause of trying to fit in time to help Brandie learn girly things and get the things I need done daily.  I feel like I constantly have to fight to find time to do the important things.  Part of that is because I'm not used to sitting around and not really doing anything and I feel like I'm constantly waiting to go. 

Plus I've been really grouchy lately.  I don't handle changes in the weather well due to horrific allergies.  I get grouchy, irritated, & tired.  I try not to be but it's hard.  It's also been hard because Brandie is changing and is at times snappish and we ending up getting very irritated with each other.   Perhaps because we both sometimes don't want to upset the other by telling  the other they are irritating at the moment.   It's very frustraing.  I can sense when she  is irritated or upset but unfortunately don't now her well enough to be able to easily read her, whereas Brandie can read me like a book which drives me crazy. It doesn't help that I sometimes, well the majority of the time, where my heart on my sleeve.  :(

Even though things have been crazy, I have to admit that not everything has been crazy.  There has been alot of good moments and I have to remember to take time each day to remember those.   Can I remember any of them now?  Not particularly but they are there.

Anyways, I should probably go finish the last few necessary things for the day and get a decent amount of sleep.  Talk to you all soon (much sooner than 3 weeks).