Telling Family & friends

I've been struggling for the past few weeks, debating whether or not to tell those close to me about Brandie's situation.   Nothing was going to be easy but I finally decided to tell my mother & my best friend. I knew my mother would be upset but expected it to go better than it did.

I love & respect my mother & told her that is why I choose to tell her rather than letting her find out as things progressed as Brandie changed into herself. I was very difficult for me to talk & Brandie went with me and explained a little to my mother about how she was born intersexed and how she needed to right a man made mistake as her brain is female & her body unfortuantely male. My Mom seemed to be okay with this, what she wasn't ok with is how when she asked if Brandie & I would be staying together that I said yes.  She completely shut off at the point & the anger was evident in her face. If looks could kill, I probably wouldn't be here.  My Uncle Anita has thrown lesbianism is my mother's face for years & my mother has very strongly rejected it due to being christian.  Brandie & I expressed that we weren't trying to throw anything in her  face but wanted to let her know and to let her know that neither of us labeled ourselfs as lesbians. Nothing was said seemed to matter & she told us that she needed time so that she didn't open her mouth & insert her foot.   As we left, she told me that she would speak to me later. So not good.

I'm terrified to talk to her later.  Of what she might say & how she will react. I've emailed her more about my feelings and just let her know that I loved her and respected her & that is why I let her know.  I haven't been home as I"m scared.  She did call today to tell me that the entire family was having dinner today at my Grandparents but I'm afraid that they will shove their beliefs in my face or try to exorcise me.

I was going to tell my Best Friend today but last night I decided to just to get it out of the way.  Plus that way, if she too rejected me it was done with & I wouldn't have to deal with being rejected two days in a row.   Brandie and I went to Miz K's house and she was freaking out because she thought I was dying or something.   I told her about Brandie and she was amazing about it.   She's uber excited to have a new shopping buddy & that she supports me 150% as long as I'm happy.  It was such a change and made me super happy.

So that is where things stand at the moment.   I"m afraid to go home for the fear my mother will kill me, kick me out, & disown me.  Brandie's roommates all know that my living situation is currently on teh edge & have so kindly agreed that I can move in if needed.   They are all great people and I wouldn't mind except for the fact that I want Brandie to have her own space to grow into the amazing woman that she is going to be.  I want to give her the time & opportunity to learn & develop & create who she is & wants to be.  But most of all I want her to know that I love & support her. 

One of my biggest fears about people learning that her & I are together is the rejection & disapproval from people who don't understand.  I don't in any way identify myself as lesbian or bisexual.  I think of myself as a straight girl who meet this amazing person that I'm in love with who just happens to be female. Yeah, I was initially attracted because for all outward appearances she is male.  But I know that I've got to know her for her and not the male persona that is shown to the world.  It's confusing but I'm okay with it.

I just wish people could accept without judging.  To understand that some things aren't the end of the world but a begining.  An opportunity to be real.  To have no walls.  To be unafraid to be who one really is.  To show love.

things aren't as they may appear

Lately I've been feeling like an emotional trainwreck.  It's been drivng me crazy to lead a double life,  as Brandie's Girlfriend & as Prince Charming's (P.C.) Girlfriend.  Everyone know me was P.C.'s girlfriend and that is what they are comfortable with and know.  It is what is expected of a good little christian girl.  But I generally don't follow the expected 100% as I've got to be me.  I still haven't told my mom about Brandie's situation.  Nor have I told my best friend.  Can I put it off forever?

That's what I'd really like to do. Just not tell anyone.  Not have to deal with the drama, questions,  anything.  Just for things to be accepted, no questions asked.  If only life were that easy.   I've been freaking out that my former best friend will be spiteful enough to tell my mom before I can.  I know I need to tell her but I'm scared that she'll be hurt. What if she hates me & never wants  to speak to me again?  What if she throws religion in my face?  What if...? What if...?  I've got all this questions and thoughts running through my head and it's made me irritable & emotional. 

The fact that Brandie didn't want to tell anyone, well at least not my mom, really drove me crazy.  I understand that this is her transition but I'm walking through this with her.   I'd rather be upfront & honest than lie, which is what I've felt I've been doing.  It's hard, I don't lie.  I'm very  upfront & open about me.   I think what has made it even more awkward for me is that I don't know   how I feel about certain things.  I've always considered myself a straight girl. This is all my family has known.   I'm scared that my mom is going to freak out & think of me as a lesbian, all because the person I love is female.

But I think part of the issue is I didn't know how to identify myself.   I don't identify as lesbian or bisexual, but as a straight girl that who just so happens to love a woman.  It  took alot of  thinking to come to that point.  Deep soul searching thinking.  Looking up bible verses thinking.  Just thinking.  It occupied my brain for a long time & I couldn't find much to calm my thoughts until I let go. People are going to lable me as they see fit but that doesn't mean I have to accept their lables as my own. Right not I'm not letting that happen.

Hopefully I can cowgirl up enough to tell her this weekend and have it out in the open.....

As for Brandie & I,  things are going good.  We've spent and lot of time talking and working through concerns each of us has had.   She's been really worried about how I'm going to handle parts of her transition because I keep saying we'll deal with that when it comes, such as when she wants to present as a woman and not in her male persona.   A few weeks ago, I'd have probabaly said when we get there we'll deal with it but now, I'm ready for it. I'm tired of hiding & lying.   I especially hate how she acts when in public because of carrying the persona of P.C. Plus it gets hard not to slip up and refer to her as "her, she, Brandie".   But now, I'm ready for it.  I wish she could present as herself tomorrow. 

It's odd as it seems like there has been a sudden change in my thinking.   All of a sudden I've gone from thinking of her has P.C. to thinking of her as Brandie.   I don't really know what caused it but it is what it is.  I think part of it may be due to the fact that I now how much she hates being referred to as P.C. and how uncomfortable it is for her to have to be in that persona.  Sometimes I wish this was all done & could just be a faint memory.......

It's been a while...

***** Side note - I don't remember if at any time early if I've referred to Prince Charming by her real name, Brandie. So just a heads up  as you read this entry*****


Things have been crazy the past few weeks and are finally at a point were they are slightly calmer. Hopefully my rollercoaster life will be a little less up & down for a while. I don't know if I can handle more tears and rampant emotions. At least not from myself....

I've had more days lately were I've been emotional about everything & crying at the stupidest things.  Sometimes crying for no reason at all. I'm so \used to being tough and not crying and lately nothing can stop me from crying.  Brandie and I'll be talking about the littlest thing and it will upset me and my eyes well up with tears.  It makes me feel horrible because I know she is dealing with a lot already during her time of transition. I worry that my crazy emotional trainwreck that I've been on is going to affect her. It's hard to be my regular poppy self when I'm worried about everything else. 

My biggest reasons of stressing is my job and money, or lack there of.   I was fired a few months ago from a job that I loved and excelled at because of a difference of opinion with my manager.  I knew it was coming & had been regularly looking for work so that I could plan my escape but unfortunatly it didn't that work that way.  I've had to go to a job making way way less money than I had been, just in order to survive.  My biggest stress is over the fact that I have car payments that have to be made.  I know I could sell my car but it is my little baby and I'm not ready to think about having to do that yet.   But it has made me stress because by the time I've paid it, rent, & insurance I'm lucky if I have $20 to last until next payday.  I feel like I"m in high school all over again, with no money for fun but way more responsibilities resting on my shoulders.   Plus it's  hard but I am a very giving person and wish I could do more for Brandie.

I've also been really on the defensive lately.  Mainly because I"m feeling very forced into some things.  Brandie wants me to go see her therapist with her just to help me have more understanding.  Plus her therapist wants to talk with me or something.  I haven't figured out everything about how I feel about everything and I"m no where near ready to discuess my feelings with anyone else or answer questions about how I'm feeling.  I'm so used to dealing with things on my own and being independant and not relying on anyone. Plus I'm afraid to admit my fears because it makes me feel like I'm admitting failure.  Failure to what I don't know but failure non the less.  In part I'm thinking that I'm having a hard time with it is because the last time I went to see a therapist is when my parents were going thru a divorce and my mom wanted to make sure I was ok.  It was a horrible experience for me.

Lately I've also been feeling incredibly rushed for time.  I wish there were more hours to get things done.  I work 10 hours 4 days a week and it takes my entire day those days.  Plus two days a week, I'm working 4 hours a day  to help supplement my income.  Part of that is due to the fact my main job is constanly going on firing sprees and there is the constant threat of it closing to take the work out of the states.  I have no idea what I'd do.  There aren't many jobs in my area and many are currently looking for them.   Anyways, that wasn't were I was going, but that I feel like with work and everything that needs done daily  there isn't time to do the little things like teach girly things to Brandie.  There are soo many girly things that I do daily without concious thought that she'll need to learn and I want to help her be the best that she can be. I know she's afraid that she won't be perfect and I want to dispel those fears. 

I think that is in part where part of my stress is coming from.  I feel like I'm mothering everyone again.  My family constantly relies on my strength to get through things and it seems to be happening again. I feel like my mom tries to hard to be my friend rather than my mom.  I feel more often than not that I'm having to mother her and assure her that everything will be ok.  It's overwhelming to me. I also get overwhelmed bacause of trying to fit in time to help Brandie learn girly things and get the things I need done daily.  I feel like I constantly have to fight to find time to do the important things.  Part of that is because I'm not used to sitting around and not really doing anything and I feel like I'm constantly waiting to go. 

Plus I've been really grouchy lately.  I don't handle changes in the weather well due to horrific allergies.  I get grouchy, irritated, & tired.  I try not to be but it's hard.  It's also been hard because Brandie is changing and is at times snappish and we ending up getting very irritated with each other.   Perhaps because we both sometimes don't want to upset the other by telling  the other they are irritating at the moment.   It's very frustraing.  I can sense when she  is irritated or upset but unfortunately don't now her well enough to be able to easily read her, whereas Brandie can read me like a book which drives me crazy. It doesn't help that I sometimes, well the majority of the time, where my heart on my sleeve.  :(

Even though things have been crazy, I have to admit that not everything has been crazy.  There has been alot of good moments and I have to remember to take time each day to remember those.   Can I remember any of them now?  Not particularly but they are there.

Anyways, I should probably go finish the last few necessary things for the day and get a decent amount of sleep.  Talk to you all soon (much sooner than 3 weeks).