Hiding A Secret

It seems that since I've meet Prince Charming, things have been changing like crazy. It's really cute to see the more feminine side when it is just the two of us. It makes seeing the very masculine side in public seem really awkward. Some of the things we discuss and that happen still continue to overwhelm me. I don't always know how to respond or what to think, which has lead to lots of tears. Let me fill you in about what all is going on....

My Bestie still doesn't seem to want to be my friend. She thinks that when I'm in a relationship, I ignore the rest of the world. I try to keep my time balanced between everything but she seems to get very jealous of my lack of time for her. What can I do? My biggest fear with her being upset with me is for her to leak it to my mother about Prince Charming's transition. I am in no way ready to break that news to my mother. Perhaps, it is due to my fear of failure and fearing her disapproval? I'd rather think it is due to the fact that Prince Charming's & mine relationship is soo new.

Prince Charming and I've hung out several times at my mother's home. It has lead to some awkward moments. I feel horrible because Prince Charming has to keep up his masculine role there. He sometimes has slips in his mannerisms and I'm scared my mother will notice them. My mom seemed to stare at Prince Charming several times when we have been over there & she told me it is because she thinks he looks familiar. That may be or maybe I'm just paranoid. The other day while we were talking with my family, my brother brought up on of the other transgenders in town and an incident that had happened the night before. Prince Charming came to the girls offense and we ended up having an interesting conversation about transgenders with my family. It did get very awkward and uncomfortable though when my mother asked Prince Charming if he was a girl. I nearly panicked and froze but Prince Charming handled it very well.

I really want to start referring the Prince Charming as Brandie, the name he will be going to, and as she & her but am afraid that I'll slip up in public. It's frustrating! For all outward appearances Prince Charming is male and I find my self treating him as so sometimes. It's been hard to jump back & forth between the different modes. Several times while shopping, I've caught myself pointing out different fashion things or other girly things. For Prince Charming's safety I can't do that but I want to share my girly world with him. :( It's been especially hard for me because the way we interract when in public acting in the correct gender according to appearances. I truely enjoy the way we interract when it is just Prince Charming and I. We are very touchy feely, very open in communication, and completely who we are meant to be without walls. I love that I can be emotional and not have to worry about keeping up the walls that I normally hide behind.

It's also been hard because there are people that know both Prince Charming and I who have asked questions about him. Particularly, one person in a conversation about boys being boys asked if "Prince Charming is a guy, really?" Of course my answer was yes. But it is hard because I don't know everyone who knows what Prince Charming is going through and I don't want to open my mouth. The person who asked may have no idea and just be curious from past interactions with Prince Charming. I don't' know which causes me to error more on the side of caution. I typically don't care what people think of me, but I do have a tendency to error on the side of caution, as, like anyone, I don't like to be treated like an outsider. I think I'm more afraid of losing my close friends that I have and being persecuted by this town. I know I shouldn 't be afraid but I think part of my fear comes from making sure Prince Charming is safe. People can be very unforving and cruel.

Anyways, on a better note, things between Prince Charming and I have been going well. I've been noticing little changes in his looks, mannerisms, emotions, everthing. The other day, he let me do up makeup on him and I was able to get more of an idea of how he may look as a female. He's going to be gorgeous! To me it is exciting to see the changes in him and incredibly fun to teach him all the girly things I know. We have made plans to have a spa day at home this weekend for me to teach him more. I can't wait! I better start planning what all needs done before hand....

Until next time,

Ellie

Once Upon A Time....

I used to think my life was pretty normal. Well, as normal as could be for a kid that grew up moving all around the country from small towns to big cities. I guess you could say my parents exposed my brothers & I to a lot. This has made me be very open minded about numerous things even though I grew up in a home where loving God and having a personal relationship with Him was the number one priority. While I don't believe in religion, I do believe in a personal relationship with God & following his teachings. Whilst many of my friends claimed to be gay or a lesbian, that meant I didn't stop loving them for who they were but more that I didn't always agree with the choices they made. But this isn't meant to tell you about my religious views but to tell you about my love story....

When I was little, I'd dream that one day my Prince Charming would come in and sweep me off my feet. I wanted the whole shabang. Even now in my 20's that is still my dream. Little did I know my love story would turn out like this...

Let me start at the beginning of my relationship with my Prince Charming....


My bestie from High School and I were headed out one night to a little dive bar in town and had stopped by her home. While there we got a call from one of her guy friends from H.S. who decided to meet up with us that night. I didn't think anything about it. Never did I know that this would be the guy that I'm falling head over heels for. We meet up with Prince Charming and chatted for a while before heading out for Karaoke. Prince Charming and I couldn't stop talking, there was such a pull between this boy and I. I couldn't believe how well I was getting along with this guy, he was amazing, intelligent, & interesting. I wanted to know lots more! I wonder if I'd have been as interested in Prince Charming if I know what I know now. I'll tell you about that in a minute. Eventually night turned into morning and Prince Charming & I were still talking non-stop. It was wonderful! Never had I had as much fun talking to a guy about anything and everything, cuddling, having my hair brushed out of my face, & sweet, sweet kisses. I felt desired for me and not for my body like with most guys. I was excited to get to know someone who was so different from everyone else I knew but yet so like me.

Over that first weekend, Prince Charming and I couldn't stop texting and talking. My bestie kept teasing me for being twitterpated by this boy & couldn't believe how I was connecting with him. I had no idea that she knew his secret. I knew was that if I wasn't careful, I was going to fall hard and get my heart broken once again. Having grown up with a mentally abusive father, seeing the good in everyone, & wearing my heart on my sleeve are things that have taught me to be incredibly cautious with relationships. But yet I continue to try in hopes of finding my Prince Charming. Anyways, my bestie seemed to be trying to keep Prince Charming & I apart in an attempt to keep me from getting hurt.

One night while talking with Prince Charming & my bestie, we somehow started talking about transgendered people and our thoughts & opinions. It was never really something I had really thought about before. I knew there were several in our community but didn't really know anything about the issue. It had never been something that affected me, so I generally brushed it off. Like I said, I was raised to love people for who they are on the inside, not for the choices they may make. It wasn't something that I'd ever really thought about.

Soon after my bestie got upset at me for spending so much time with Prince Charming and declared a Girls Night. I had no idea that it was going to be the night that changed my life. My bestie and I talked about numerous things that night and she blurted out "I can't not tell you but your Prince Charming is in the process of becoming a woman!!!!!!!!!!!!" Let's just say I went into shock. I had no idea how to act or respond to her. Surprisingly I wasn't mad at Prince Charming but at my bestie for telling me something that wasn't her place to tell. Maybe because it made a lot of things click into place.

Unfortunately, when we got over to Prince Charming's house later that evening he could tell something was wrong. Fortunately I'd had several drinks that night, my bestie thought it would help me cope, and Prince Charming told everyone that I needed to go lay down. When we got to his room, all I could do is cry because I was so upset with my bestie for interfering. Prince Charming knew that my bestie had told me because that was his biggest fear. He explained that he was planning on telling me that night & hadn't wanted to keep it from me any longer because he didn't want to hurt me.

Though this whole time, I couldn't form a coherent thought from the shock of it all. I was beginning to care for this boy, yea he is slightly feminine but who cares. But was I ready to date someone who for appearances sake looked like a male but was really on the inside a female? Or even simpler, Was I willing to date a female? I don't know at this point. What I do know is that I'm falling head over heels for Prince Charming and am going to take one day at a time. Prince Charming & I've talked about how things may be easy for now while outwards he looks male but that I may have difficult days as things progress. We've agreed that we'll cross those bridges when they com, but for now, I'm excited to meet the girl inside my man.